THE BOTTOM LINE: Newt Toots…Complains about the smell.

The Bottom Line with Avery Fenris

After a… stellar? No, wait… After a seemingly stellar performance in the South Carolina debates; Newt Gingrich has climbed to the top of the Republican dung heap to claim king of the hill.

The reason for the hesitation is: I have a hard time calling what Newt did “stellar”. Stunning is probably a better word.

It’s stunning that, when CNN debate moderator John King asked Gingrich about the allegations in his ex-wife’s ABC interview, he had this to say:

I think the destructive, vicious, negative nature of much of the news media makes it harder to govern this country, harder to attract decent people to run for public office. I am appalled, that you would begin a presidential debate on a topic like that.

You see, in her interview, Marianne Gingrich (Gingrich’s Ex) claimed that Newt asked her for an “open marriage” because he was already seeing someone (his present wife, Calista). And OF COURSE, CNN has to get to the bottom of this SCANDAL…

Let’s get one thing straight right now. The vast majority of people couldn’t care less about who is on the receiving end of Newt’s penis. Seriously. And I’m completely in that corner. As long as he’s keeping it consensual and above age, I don’t care if he is sleeping with a tent of circus clowns on crack or having a hamster race in his colon. If it doesn’t have to do with policy, I really don’t want to hear about it.


It was Newt who fostered this fascination with political infidelity, when he relentlessly pursued an impeachment of President Clinton for his extra-marital affair with Monica Lewinsky. Do you remember that? THEN, it was no holds barred. No detail was too tawdry in his effort to “save the integrity” of the oval office. So we HAD to know about antics with cigars and semen stains on dresses.

The real kicker about all of this is, Gingrich was cheating on his wife with Calista Bisek AS HE WAS TRYING TO IMPEACH CLINTON FOR DOING THE SAME THING with Monica.

Surely, you didn’t forget any of this.

Apparently, Newt did, because he was “appalled” that someone would start a presidential debate about a subject so beneath the seriousness of running for the presidency.

Really? REALLY?

As I said, I agree that a politician’s personal life is the last thing I want to know about (unless it involves illegalities). So, It doesn’t matter to me if you like to stick cigars into your interns, play footsie in the men’s restroom, travel with a boy who lifts your “luggage”. I don’t even care if you like to “sext” pictures of your Wiener (pun totally intended) to strangers you meet on Twitter. EXCEPT when you’ve made a career out of nailing (or trying to nail) others for the exact same shenannigans you are doing behind the scenes (I’m looking at YOU Client-9)

This is not the first time Gingrich’s inner hypocrite has raised it’s self-righteous head to thunderous applause.

In a previous debate, Newt was shocked at the Super PAC ads Mitt Romney threw at him once this race for the nomination began. Newt countered by challenging Romney to publicly denounce the ads. When Romney basically refused by saying “it’s illegal for me to be in contact with these Super PAC people.” Newt obtained his OWN Super PAC thanks to a generous donation from a millionaire who would LOVE to see a Gingrich presidency… Which SHOULD have Americans in the streets… waitaminute… is THAT what that 99% noise is about?

Moving on, before THAT.

Gingrich actually brought ethics charges against Democratic Speaker Jim Wright. According to Wikipedia:

…for using a book deal to circumvent campaign-finance laws and House ethics rules. During the investigation, it was noted Gingrich had his own unusual book deal, for Window of Opportunity, in which publicity expenses were covered by a limited partnership, which raised $105,000 from Republican political supporters to promote sales of Gingrich’s book.

So, in layman’s terms, it can be said that Newton is the type of guy who would pass gas in an elevator and then be the loudest to complain about the smell.

The Bottom line:

All of this just makes him an asshole. A DANGEROUS asshole should he get power but an asshole none the less.
And assholes are fighters. Especially the angry ones. This is what the disenfranchised, angry Right-wingers want! That’s why they are so quick to embrace Newt’s slips in morality. It’s convenient to support a guy who has blazed through two marriages by vehicle of infidelity over a man who has been happily married and family oriented (President Obama) even though they tout “Family Values” over everything else.

How Hypocritical is THAT?

I guess it makes sense because when Gingrich gets up there and starts saying we should take these jobs from these janitors making too much money and give them to the poorer kids so they can learn the ethics of a hard days work, nobody in the audience asks “How much money is too much for a janitor to make? $20,000? $40,000?”

I thought CEOs and Athletes and Movie Stars made too much money. As the conservative right, didn’t we NOT want the government to dictate salaries?

Does this Janitor have a family to support? What happens when they lose their jobs? What about the poor kid’s education? Is it more important for them to learn manual labor because that is going to be their station anyway? Wouldn’t that put them at a disadvantage to the kids with money who DON’T have to work? Wouldn’t this be a slap in the face of child labor laws? What are the social ramifications of poor kids cleaning toilets while their fellow students look on? Are chemicals dangerous for kids to deal with?


Instead they cheer loudly because damnit, that Newt’s gonna put a fire under them lazy ass poor folks AND drop kick those fat cat janitors at the same time!

You gotta LOVE Right-wing America right now… or not.


Comments are closed.